I'm A Barbie Boy
by Hihothedairyo
Summary: It only took one advertisement to get Near to fib, steal, become a deviant, and gain L's affections. LxNear! Ch. 6? It's back up!
1. Trapped Pantless and Barbie Handed

**Author's Note:** _**I've hit writer's block on my other stories, like usual, so I'm making a new one! Bad mentality, bbaaadd mentality. Anyway, this is just meant to be cute. I'm completely disregarding the fact that Near is far too underage for L and that the pairing is illegal. I would also like to say, in case some of you are fanatics, that L is NOT on the Kira case. It's before then. But I didn't know Near's age before the Kira case, so we're just not going to have any specifics as far as that is concerned. Edits are being done now, because wow, are there are a lot of them! **_

* * *

When Near had first seen them on T.V., he knew they would be his downfall.

He had been sitting innocently in front of the new television set in the playroom, putting together a little ship that would take sail from the Lego Spain/Portugal to Lego Africa before sailing to Lego North America carrying thousands of slaves from their native land when the commercial had first come on. It must have been fate for him to see it, because without its flashing pink and purple lights he wouldn't have looked up and wouldn't have seen the things. They vaguely resembled the action figures he put together, yet they looked more human.

They were the City Trend edition. For just 17.93 you would get the apartment complex, complete with five floors, a lobby, and hand cranked elevators. For 9.52 you would get one of the things, complete with three outfits, two wigs, and washable make-up for both the thing and you. And for 20.19 you would get all the necessary furnishings for one floor of the apartment complex, complete with little items to complete the floor.

He hadn't had a clue what the things were called, as he hadn't paid attention to that, until a girl looking for her hairbow had squealed and proclaimed that _she _would be the first to get the City Trend edition Barbies.

Barbies. Near stared at the screen for a little after the commercial had gone off. Ba-arr-b-ees. It didn't take long before he decided that a call to L was needed.

He stood up and scuffled towards Roger's office, determined to have a good excuse as to why L would need to be phoned. He couldn't get those Barbies out his mind. Would he have to put them together? What would putting the make-up on be like? Could he get a baby Barbie for his City Trend Barbie to have? He suddenly felt himself blush; would the Barbie be naked when he changed the clothes?

Roger's office was reached soon, and he knocked on the door politely. A kind, old voice called for him to come in, and he slowly did.

"Near, hello. What are you doing here?" Near sat down in front of Roger's desk, one knee against his chest and the other bent to the side of him. He twirled his hair and unconsciously put on puppy dog eyes. "Roger, would it be a bother to call L?" "Call L? Why?" He tightened his grip on his hair and decided on a lie he had heard a girl use on Roger once before.

"I was raped."

* * *

L was in the middle of talking to a client when a video-email had suddenly popped up on the screen. A little note from Watari told that it was Roger, and that it was urgent, so he quickly put the man on hold.

He clicked the play-back button, and a distraught and standing Roger was showed on the screen, as well as casual Near sitting in his chair.

"Um, L, I'm sorry to send this but your phone wasn't answered and it was urgent that we reached you." He turned to Near. "Near, please tell him all the things you told me." Near nodded and looked up into the camera.

"I snuck out last night to go meet with someone I was talking to on the internet, who promised to take me to dinner. He did not take me to dinner, but instead took me into an alley and raped me. It was too late, so there were no witnesses. That is the reason I am now itchy down there and need pills, because he wasn't clean and did not use a condom." He looked to Roger.

"He refuses to let me take him to a doctor to get him checked out, and I'm afraid that he needs a therapist. He says that he's too scared to do anything without you, so I'm requesting that for his sake you will please come."

The video ended, and L raised an eyebrow. Near was playing at something, obviously. And whatever it was intrigued L, as Near wasn't the type to make up a big story.

So, with a few clicks and a message to Watari, he prepared for a flight to England.

* * *

Near regretted his lie the moment everyone deemed it necessary to cry. He was being bombarded with tears! First Roger had tried to hold back his tears after turning off the camera, and then he told a nurse what had happened. The nurse started wailing and rushed him off to the infirmary, and then told the story to more nurses. Chocolate boxes and tears were given to him for the next five hours before they sent him back to his room. He still didn't understand what the point of putting him in the infirmary was, since all the nurses did was cry over him.

He went back to the playroom and laid down, tired and yearning for a Barbie.

And then he saw one.

Susie Micha was playing with her best friend a little inside the room, as they thought he was creepy and didn't want to get too close. In their hands was a blonde Barbie and a _boy _Barbie, both dressed in swimsuits. Near felt, for the first time ever in his young life, the childish jealousy. He saw their hands on the Barbies and instantly thought, 'mine'.

So, he formed a plan. Phase one: scare them away. Phase two: capture targets. Phase three: sneak into Susie's room and see if they have any more clothes for the Barbies.

He turned his body to face the doorway and cocked his head sideways. Then he started to hum. The girls stopped playing and turned to look at them. He forced ungodly amounts of drool into his mouth and started to moan as he let it slide down his chin. Then he started to convulse and fell on his side. The girls let out loud screeches and ran off, leaving the Barbies behind. He ran forward and snatched the dolls, looking at them closely.

They looked different up close. Their heads were far bigger than the ones on T.V., and their waists were ridiculously small like his. Good lord, their lips took up half their face! They were so strange; he needed to do further examination. With that, he stuffed them into the pockets of his pajama pants and hurried to his room.

* * *

L blinked as another video was sent from a distressed Roger. He clicked the play button and was hit with the sound of screaming and crying little girls. And then nurses joined them with that, and quite frankly he expected Roger to just break down in tears any second.

"Shut up, everyone just shut up! L, you need to learn to pick up your fucking phone! I hate making these things! You've got Watari around, he knows how to click the goddamned little green button that goes 'click' and connects!" He took a deep breath and swatted at the crying nurses by his feet.

"Are you on the plane? How soon are you going to be here, because two little girls just witnessed Near have a seizure! Wait...," He turned to the nurses. "Near just had a seizure, what are you doing in here?" The nurses turned to look at each other before crying and running off. "Idiots! Can't even take care of a little boy! Watch where you're--oh, fuck!"

The message ended when the camera was knocked over by a frantic nurse, and L stared at his computer screen, a little bewildered.

"Watari?" "Yes, L?" L, still looking at the computer screen, held down the call button. "When are we going to reach Wammy house?" "Um, should be fifteen more hours."

He put his thumb to his lips and started calculating. If Near was raped and a had a seizure in just one day, the orphanage should be completely burned down and Near should be dead in just ten minutes.

* * *

With the only source of light being a little nightlight, and all his clothes stuffed inside his bed to make anyone checking in on him get the hint, Near pulled out the dolls and started his examination.

He put the girl in one hand, the boy in the other. "Hello," He shook the girl doll and made his voice high. "lovely party, isn't it?" He shook the boy doll as he made his voice as low as possible. "It's too hot, and I suspect that there is sand in my knickers." He furiously started to shake the girl doll. "Those aren't knickers, you socially-inept idiot! Those are swimming trunks!" "As if there's a difference, little OCD."

He started to smile and continued playing out a conversation he had heard recently on the television. He played for what seemed like a long time, though he knew it wasn't late because his roommate wasn't in bed yet. It got to the point where he needed a pool for the couple. He considered his options as he had the dolls talk to various models he put together.

He could go to the kitchen, steal a bowl, and fill it with water. But someone might see him, and he didn't think a bowl would be big enough for the pool party of the year. He could use one of the sinks in the boys' bathroom, but the doors didn't lock and someone could walk in on him. But if he used the toilet in the stall for the physically disabled, then he wouldn't be seen! Perfect!

He got up, stuffed the dolls back into his pocket, and peeked out at the hallway. There were nurses running around in circles calling his name, and children staring. He made sure to wait until the nurses had ran into one room to do a little trot to the boys' bathroom. He felt nervous and very, very naughty, though neither showed on his chubby, pale face.

The bathroom was empty, but that didn't mean there was shame in peeking behind the door, crawling underneath one stall to another, and cleverly filling his socks and pants with just enough toilet paper that they looked filled with his scrawny legs and setting it in another stall to calm suspicions.

He slid the lock on the handicap stall's door and bunched himself up between the wall and the toilet. He was small enough not to be seen if anyone peeked underneath the stall, and they would just write the locked door off as a prank.

A deep breath was taken, a glance and a scoot to make sure all was good, before he picked up Nia and Leon and proceeded to act out the rest of his episode.

"Did you know that this pool was built by Civil War prisoners!?" Nia asked, bouncing in the water. Leon shook and also bounced in the water. "Bull! Where'd you hear that nonsense?" "My Pap told me before he passed on! He said that England bought Civil War prisoners from across the pond secretly and had them build up fancy hotels and pools; his father was one of them, too!." Leon scoffed, but mid-way was interrupted by an OOC cough coming from the current narrator. "So your great-grandfather was a Civil War prisoner who took the time to take time off to father a child and tell it about building pools?"

He acted out the argument, still changing his voice to the female's and male's, but was disappointed when he found that he couldn't make their voices do other voices. After the big argument, he made Nia break into the best sounding sob that he could manage and took her out of the pool, placing her on one of the tiles. He then had Leon get out of the pool and comfort her. "Hey, I'm sorry, don't get upset. I just..I'm a big know-it-all, heh..." Nia's head was turned 180 degrees to make up for lack of moveable-hips, and Near suddenly blushed when he remembered what came next.

He mentally prepared himself; only babies and simpletons blushed at something so stupid. He blamed the heat in his cheeks on the heat from being so cramped, and smashed the Barbies' lips and bodies together, though their bodies didn't quite reach since their heads were so out of proportion.

It was then that the door was somehow flung open. Near's head shot up, and Mello's shocked eyes met with his. It took a flicker of Mello's eyes downward for him to painfully become aware of the fact that he was pants-less and making Barbies become intimate in a locked bathroom stall.


	2. You Sent A Pedophile to the Toy Store?

**Author's Note_: I swear. First chapter I was so happy that I forgot to spell check, and it wasn't until I read over it that I saw a biiigggg mistake. If you caught that mistake (it was a writing one, not spelling or grammar), then I apologize for coming off as an idiot! Anyway, thank you for reviewing and taking the time to generally make my day better! I got no flames! Feel free to send one if your panties are in a twist, though! Oh, yeah! And they have a male version of I'm A Barbie Girl, just ask JuliaSuna the name of the band because the only thing that comes to mind is XlXl, which I don't think is right._**

* * *

"Near..., oh, you were such a happy boy!" More sniffles came from the head laying on the desk, and Near rubbed his bare legs. They could have given him his pants, even though he did quite enjoy the breeze that swept against his undies. Actually, instead of pants, he would have preferred to see Mello get in trouble. Honestly, the blonde had so many more issues to be addressed than him; he stole cigarettes, a nurse's wallet, broke the bathroom lock, and was going to smoke in there. More deserving of a spanking than simply telling a story, pretending to have a seizure, or being caught with no pants and kissing Barbies in your hands.

Roger looked up and took a big sniff; Near heard the mucus being swallowed and hid his face. "Don't worry, Near. We're going to make the bastard who did this to you pay! Then you'll be back to yourself in no time! Until then, though..." He took a sigh and rubbed his nose. "Until then you're going to be in a monitored room, along with daily appointments with a therapist, and having a Social-Buddy by your side."

"Social-Buddy?" Roger smiled and pulled out a pamphlet from his desk.

" 'The Repercussions of Rape and How To Avoid Them! There are five steps taken in avoiding the long-term effects of rape. Step one: When the victim first shows signs of trauma, one must be on the ball and quick to end these fears. A Social-Buddy is a great way to do that! A Social-Buddy is someone who the victim is the most familiar with, and this is most important because the Special-Buddy is always is the one the victim turns to.' "

Near looked at the man, taking all this into his curly head, before a certain gender-confusing blond came to mind. "You're going to force me with Mello, aren't you?" Roger looked a bit angry that his surprise was given away. "Of course! You and Mello go together like two peas in a pod. You fight a lot, but he's the only one who you've really gotten to know."

The door slammed open, and Mello stepped through. "Here I am, Roger! Heeeeeeellloooo, Near." Mello leered at him, and Near subtly averted his eyes. "Good, you're here! Now, I have a few conditions you two will need to follow." Roger said with a smile, which made Mello giggle evilly and Near close his eyes. "You're to spend all time together. The only exception is when Mello must do something away from you, in which case you're to report to your room and wait until he's ready."

Oh, god, Near could already feel the bruises.

"Also, you two are to keep separate journals, which you're going to document your day together in. And..." Roger flicked through the pamphlet. "have one hour where you will hold hands."

Mello let out a cackle, and Near could just see the future: no alone time in which to observe his Barbies, no alone time to stea--_borrow_ more Barbies, no alone time to write angry lyrics about his life!

"And this is put into action...tomorrow morning! Unfortunately, Near, since the cameras aren't set up in your room yet, you're going to be sharing Mello and Jackson's room! Oh, here are your journals. Have a good night!"

Roger smiled at them as they took their journals, and Mello grabbed onto Near's hand. He skipped (Near just flopped) them out the door, humming evilly and making his hair swish. It ended when the door closed; Mello grabbed his shoulders and slowly inched his face closer. "I'm going to have fun."

* * *

L took a bite out of his cupcake, frowning. The car was late; it was quite an inconvenience. Watari had bought them hotel rooms for the night incase they felt like resting, but L wasn't quite in the mood. So, here he sat, munching away at the snack bar. He had gotten yet another message from the Wammy house earlier, and this time, instead of a stressed-out Roger, he was greeted with the sight of Mello.

"L, Near was masturbating and...ROGER!" The camera was suddenly covered as there were loud shouts from Roger. "Gee, sorry. Okay, Near was caught 'indecent' in the bathroom while 'reliving the crime' using dolls. How soon you gonna get here?"

Well, that was quite something. He had then received an email of a pamphlet about rape, with a little note from Roger. Apparently, he had made up some excuse for Mello and Near to be Social-Buddies, but would rather he and Near be together. L certainly didn't oppose the prospect of spending time with Near..., and he also couldn't deny the feeling ins gut that something strange yet highly erotic was going to end up happening if Near was with Mello.

The pamphlet had said that dolls was a great way to figure out what exactly happened to the victim, but that wasn't the best method in his opinion; though, it might just tell him what exactly it is that Near's aiming at, since he doubted the whole rape story.

"Excuse me, miss." The poor waitress behind the bar looked up with a glare. The bastard across from her was the only thing between her and closing early. "I would like a muffin and advice." He wouldn't take her advice terribly to heart, since she looked on the brink of stabbing him with the spatula used to take the muffin out of the toaster oven. She didn't even have to ask what kind, since he had told her as soon as he had sat down that all requests for the night were going to be wanted in chocolate-flavor.

She tossed the muffin on a plate and slapped it down. "Thirty minutes until closing time, just to say." "Hmmmm". He took a large bite, crumbs going all over the once clean counter. "Ah, my advice,"

He looked at her and swallowed. "What is the best Barbie for boys?" The waitress' eyebrow cocked to what he thought was a painful height, and he saw her sneaking a pen and a pad of paper. "Are you sure you don't mean _'action figure'_, as in G.I. Joe or Mutant Ninja Turtles?" "Do they make _'action figures'_ of the Barbie brand?" She didn't like his tone obviously, because she started scribbling down quickly on the notepad. "I'm afraid not. Why are you looking for a boy a Barbie?" "He's taken a new interest in them, and I'm showing to him by buying one that I encourage that interest."

"..." He tilted his heaad and stuffed the entire muffin in his mouth, forming a V-smile. "I think he has taken quite a sexual interest in them. Which Barbies would appeal to that liking?" L, despite being a genius detective capable of paying attention to even the most minute details, didn't seem to realize that the waitress was writing out the words "SEX FIEND!!" on her notepad.

She fiddled with her apron nervously and, with a shaking finger, pointed at a map on the wall. "There's a toy store in the mall a few blocks away. Go and ask them for the MyScene dolls. They're rather...er...scantly dressed, so it should, um," She smacked her lips. "appeal to, uh, him."

With one last muffin order, L slid off the stool and hobbled along, throwing a few words of gratitude back at her.

As soon as he was out of sight the waitress ran to the phone. "Put me through to Officer O. Thompst! Mr. Thompst, oh hello! Yes, it's Milly. Yes, yes, Grant's oldest one. Yes, Eve's granddaughter. No, I didn't contract AIDS, that was Missy, the youngest. Okay. Okay. Yep. Yeah. Yeeeaaahhhhh. Okay, Thompst, I'm calling for--no, no, not to talk. It's nice talking to you, yes, but I have buisness. I'm calling because there was just a pedophile in my work! No, he didn't attack me. I'm twenty-two. No, I didn't detain him. He's headed to the toy store. Yes, I know the story about my father and the toy store. Sir--yes, it's a great story..."

* * *

It was decided: life with Mello as a Social-Buddy was just not going to work for him.

Near sat in the floor, blankets wrapped around him and video game sounds blasting. He was so tired, oh so tired, yet Mello had forbade him from sleep.

His eyes drooped, but Mello was psychic, because instantly his voice snapped at him. "You better not be going to sleep! We're not through with First Phase yet!" Near pulled the blankets tighter around him to make up for not having a stress ball. "I'm awake."

He desperately wanted to claw the stuff on his face off. Not to mention fix his hair and underpants. But Mello would have none of that. With a very loud voice shouting that the second player was victor, the game was cut off and two sets of feet were quickly in front of him. "Okay, Near. Stand up."

Near stood up, and with his head only reaching Mello's collarbone and Matt's armpit, he tried to force himself to stand straighter. His back let out a loud CRRAACCCKKK, and he blushed--on the inside!--at Mello and Matt's laughter. "He's so girlie, I knew this would be perfect." Mushroom Head was going towards a ripped out eyeball.

Mello slapped his back and pushed him forward to the mirror above the dresser. He saw himself and cringed. He was, indeed, very girlie. And the accessories didn't help any.

His curls had been parted and held back into short pigtails by barrettes, so tightly pulled back that his eyes were a tad slanted. Speaking of eyes, his poor, soft, eyelids were covered in blue marker, along with his cheeks gone over with a pink marker, and his lips gone over with a black one. He was glad for his short build at the moment, because he didn't know what he would have done if he saw the polka-dot panties Mello had taken from a girl's hamper. Dirty, dirty polka-dot panties.

Mello came up to stand behind him, and grinned horribly at him.

"At this time every Tuesday through Sunday we'll get you more and more outfits to put on. And together, us three will make the perfect play for L!" Oh God. Matt ran over to a stereo in the corner, and Near felt his bottom lip tremble as the tiny girl's voice played; he knew this song.

_"I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie wooorrrllldddd." _


	3. Sexy Wedgies

**Author's Note_: Blah! Exams. And I just don't want to write this story anymore. Sorry, but I want to do something serious and deep and ...yeah. I'm not giving up on this yet, I just want to :D. I would also like to ask, has anyone read the manga Godchild? If so, how does it end!? I'm on vol. 6, and have bought so many other great yaoi mangas that I kind of forgot about buying the last volumes of it. And…don't ask about this chapter. I just…wow, it's …wow. Don't write after going without sleep. This is what you get. By the way, the therapist was named after Taco Bell. _**

* * *

Mello. Was. Pissed.

Near wasn't cooperating! They had gone over the dance (courtesy of a Spice Girls video) again and again, yet Near just couldn't get the stupid move down! Mello growled and threw the chocolate bar at his eye.

"Whoa, now." And why couldn't the orphanage have given him Matt as a roommate? The Jackson boy they stuck him with was infuriatingly around! Mello gave him threats and even a claim on Near's oral virginity, yet the boy still came around when he wasn't needed! Like now, when Near was just in panties and about to get his eyes poked inwards against his brain by a chocolate bar. No, no, Jackson's hand just had to reach up and catch it, then crumble it and throw it at his feet! "No need to hurt my Near, Mello."

_Correction_, Mello hissed as he sharpened his imaginary knife, _there's every need!_ Like getting him to get this dance down to get L to be impressed by Mello, and thus then making him successor and the master of Near!!

Jackson turned around to look at Near, sitting in his usual way with his knee against his bare chest and his other leg thrown to the side of him. "Roger told me to tell you that you have an appointment after lunch. And that means, Mello, to give him a break for an hour and do something off by yourself." Well, Jackson and Roger could both shove it, because Near wasn't about to go anywhere!

Mello stood firm and shorter than Jackson, thinking hard. "After he eats lunch, eh?" Jackson nodded. Mello's eyes narrowed to slits as a plan came to mind. "I see. Thank you for alerting me, Jackson." Jackson shot a glance at Near, who shivered, the arm tugging his hair shaking.

"SHOO NOW!" Jackson rolled his eyes and patted Near's head. "If he beats you up, you just come and find me; I'll set him straight." Mello hissed at him until he was out of the door, and then pointed at Near. "You're not eating until the part you're having trouble on is perfected!

"Now a 1, and 2, and a 1, 2, 3 ,4..."

The music started, and Near pushed himself up as the intro came close to giving away to the verse, and his first move came. The squeaky voice started to sing, and he swung his narrow hips from side to side. He flung his arm out and did high kicks, followed by a move from that robot-dance, a pout, and then a Fabio-hair-flip. But, just as before, when it came time to spin around with his arms up in the air, he slipped. He tipped to the side, and waved his arms in order to try and get balance.

"NEAR!" Oh, great. Near's stomach rumbled, and that gave him the motivation to stand up again. "Once again, and a 1, 2, 3, 4..."

* * *

L, after sorting out the little misunderstanding with the police, was finally in a car on the way to Wammy's. He had, thankfully, been able to keep both the MyScene dolls, and he was ready to open one to test it out. With a flick of a Swiss Army knife, he cut away at the tape covering the opening at the top. He was able to open the top, but getting it out required more effort, he soon learned.

The next ten minutes were spent with him cutting tape and plastic, removing cardboard, then cutting away more tape and plastic. At one point, he cut away a bit too forceful at a piece of plastic, and a separate container of plastic was thrown out of the cardboard, scattering tiny plastic cosmetics all over. With frog eyes he looked down at the numerous tiny plastic objects all over his lap, the floor, and even his hair.

"Watari," He said without looking up. The glass in the front of the car was rolled down, and old Watari looked back at him. "Yes, Ryuuzaki?" "I hope your back is up to speed" Watari looked up confused into the mirror, and his normally kind, grandfatherly face dropped into a scowl. "That is all." "I'M GONNA CUT YOU--" The glass was quickly rolled back up by a frightened genius. And when the angry shouting and swerving stopped, he set back to work.

Only, he found himself faced with a problem: twisty ties. All over the final piece of cardboard laid dozens of twisty ties! Two for each foot, three each for the waist and torso, and so many of them on the big accessories. Oh, and there was a big piece of plastic over the back of her hair! It even had thread going through the hair into the cardboard!

Well, he was a genius, he could beat some stupid twisty ties. He readied the thumb and forefinger of each hand, and then grabbed the ends of one twisty tie. He turned and he turned, only to find that it was the wrong way. So, he went the opposite way, no biggie. He mentally chuckled at himself for worrying over such a frivolous thing. He twisted easily, only to find when he was close to finished that they switched the direction! He was confused, but switched direction regardless. Except, he found, it went back up again! "Huh?"

He twisted left and right, yet it kept going back up. Within a few short minutes, the car was filled with the chanting of "fucking twisty things!"

And when it became too much, the knife was pulled back out.

* * *

With glasses too small perched on his nose, the therapist looked down at Near with a smile. A laptop sat on a tray in his lap, and he typed away at it whenever Near moved. And boy was Near moving around a lot today. It seemed like every two minutes he would be slightly whimpering, switching from hugging one knee against him to the next. In fact, shortly after sitting down the boy had started discretely rubbing his rear slowly against the floor. The therapist, needless to say, had immediately judged it as dry-humping, and that he was reliving the crime once again. Therefore the rapist must have been a male around mid-twenties to late forties. He made a smiley by his theory.

Near, meanwhile, was in wedgie hell. The Devil was rubbing himself between his butt cheeks.

Mello had made him practice the dance ten more times, the tenth time being under the threat of taking off the pink panties. Well, hungry and bruised Near just couldn't take that on top of his hunger pains, and with more will power than ever before, he pursed his thin lips and made himself do the dance again.

He accomplished it, and Mello had been overjoyed. Just not overjoyed enough to give him a break. Near, waiting until the perfect moment for Mello to become distracted, had snatched his clothes and high-tailed it out of there. Near was able to make it TWO FEET!! down the hall before Mello had caught him. But, Roger had also caught him. And after explaining calmly that he felt safer in just the panties ("they make me feel like I'm a woman, and that makes me feel better about the rape."), he was taken to Dr. Beltalco's temporary office.

Unfortunately the horrible panties had stayed on even after he had dressed. They made themselves known the minute he had sat down, digging so far up his crack that he could only rub the ground and shift legs to pull them out some.

"Are you all right?" He looked up at Dr. Beltalco, and smiled. Except, his usual V shaped smile strained, causing his lips to look like an awkward sideways bracket. "Thank you, I'm fine."

Dr. Beltalco tapped the shift key unconsciously, which wasn't the best button to hit, since it let out a loud BBEEEEPPP. He jerked and accidentally hit the enter button. "Oh, sonuvabitch." Near, seeing that the man was distracted, chose then to sit up slightly on his knees and pick at the wedgie. Except it was really wedged in there! So, he discretely snuck his hand down there and started to pull the panties out.

"Near!"

Well, so much for that. He looked at and with a small whimper fell forward. "What's wrong with me, Dr. Beltalco?" The therapist leaned forward, fingers poised above the keys, ready to take notes immediately. "What do you mean?" "I need L," He let out a loud sob and started to breath heavily. "I need him! I keep thinking of the man who hurt me, and how L would find him for me! The man with the thing that was so big it hurt and," He had to dig deep in his mind of overheard conversations. "such strong hands. And...oh, Dr. Beltalco...I need **it**!"

Dr. Beltalco was a married man. And, he was young, fresh out of the university and ripe for the ...weirdos nobody else would take. But, like any other young male, he was horny. It was almost as bad as the nymphomaniac patient he had to study once. And, with that in mind, he had to look away from the extremely (and very suddenly) tempting image of such a small boy with his hands down his pants begging for "**it**".

"Buh, uh, Near, I'm not sure you're understanding what you're feeling." Was the room too hot? Had the heat been turned up? Gray eyes looked up at him with a sultry look, and the boy bit his lip as he started to move his hand. In his mind he could clearly picture a little pink pucker being penetrated by fingers, and then his... OH GOD, the boy wasn't even fifteen!

"I need it, Dr. Beltalco! Please don't deny me it." Okay, this wasn't so bad. All he had to do was wake Near up to the rape, make him see that it was wrong, maybe get him down to those little panties Roger told him about. "What do you need, Near?"

The boy crawled over to his knees and moaned as he started to move his hand faster. "I need** it**!" He closed his eyes and let out a loud moan."They're called Citi Trend Barbies." He licked the man's knee, and opened his eyes as he suddenly smelt something strange. He sniffed, still trying to seem as if he was engaged in his "sexual fantasy" as he subtly moved to try and find the smell. When his nose brought him to the man's crotch his eyes widened and he shot up, trying to hide the blush on his face. "I-I," He cleared his voice to try to get it back to the breathy tone. "I want the blond one. And the African-American one for racial equality."

The therapist looked too worn out to bother to ask what for. He turned his tired eyes Near's lip, and he quickly leant forward to lightly lick it. "Black and blonde Citi Trend Barbie." The boy dug his hand out of his pants and nodded. "I'll have it for you at our next session, Near. Speaking of which, this one is over with. You should be getting to your room."

A very wedgie free Near didn't need to be told twice before hurrying out of the room.

He rushed as fast as he could to the bathroom and, once again, made sure no on was there. It was clear, and he plopped down under a sink, sighing. "I seduced my grown therapist for a Barbie."


	4. Boogie Car

**Author's Note:_ While I really don't want to be the ever whiny author, there's a complaint I have. People, I know it's kind of tough to gather the courage to review. Especially when you really don't know what to say. And I know it's even worse for the author to base how the story is going to go/when they're going to update on reviews, but honestly. The whole point of reviewing is to help give the author the encouragement to write more. It's kind of tough to try and think up the next chapter when you don't get any feedback. So, I'm just going to say a big thank you to the people who review, because no matter how small it is, it's still positive feedback that is greatly appreciated. ...lyke, srsly. _**

* * *

****

_Diary, _

_I want to see L soon. He is important to me. I want a piece of cherry pie next time I go to my session. I don't want Mello as a Social-Buddy. That camera in the top corner is not hidden enough. Today Dr. Beltalco just made me sit there. It was boring. The playroom was occupied when I got there. Ema needs to stop giving me the stink eye. If I want to watch Powerpuff Girls then I want to watch Powerpuff girls. It's my playroom. It's my TV. If only Rick had been my boyfriend. He would have bought me a TV. And a playroom. He even told me he'd adopt me. I would have given him my butt. It's time to go to sleep. Goodnight. _

_-Near. _

_deer diary _

_near iz a grt socialbuddy! we rlly git along. we played 2day 4 a long time. jackson wuz rlly meen 2 him! he kiked me out teh room n made near kry. i wish matt wuz mi roommate. l beder git here soon! near iz rlly sad. he iz rl hapi wen wit me tho. o! we shuld hav a sleep over! jackson cud sleep in matts room n matt cud sleep wit us! _

_c u 2morrow! _

_mello!!_

* * *

L made a curious noise as he read over the journal entries.

He had arrived in secret shortly after curfew, and as soon as he had seen Roger he had demanded that all the staff go along with his new plan, which was completely opposite of what Roger's pamphlet had said.

Now, watching L as he read over the diary entries only made Roger more pissed off. _"Who the hell does he think he is? God?"_ He growled to himself as L bit his thumb and made another noise. _"My pamphlet was made by fucking professionals, who have degrees in dealing with rape! Whose fucking orphanage is this? Mine! This is my orphanage!" _Roger, having been around his share of angsty teenagers, proceeded to shout out the lyrics to a Slipknot song in his mind.

"Roger?"

"INSIDE MY SHELL I WAI--huh!?"

Roger laughed awkwardly and then coughed. "Uh, yes, L-san?" L stared at him. "What did you gather from the diaries?" More staring. "…I think Slipknot understands me in a way my companions don't." L turned his head back to the diaries, and Roger didn't see him start to snicker and mouthing the word "poser".

L hid his emotions and turned to show Roger the diaries. "These are pointless." "Excuse me?" He threw them on the desk in front of him and smiled. "They're fake. The boys knew that you'd read them and wrote what you wanted to hear." He pointed. "Especially Mello. In fact, the only real thing about Mello's entry is its grammar and sadistic undertone."

At the word sadistic, L couldn't help himself. He turned to face Roger and smiled. "Did your best, did you?"

Loud sniffles could be heard from the speechless Roger, and his brows started to lower. "Oh, I see." His eyes watered as they started to twitch. "Would you like me to fetch you something?" "Tea, if you_ can_. Two sugar boxes." Roger straightened up before he left the room.

As he passed Watari, he leaned into his ear. "Dr. Beltalco's office, 3 o'clock." Watari winked his agreement before going back to being a very secondary character.

* * *

L's plan was like this: no one other than the staff was to know that he was there, the boys were to be spied on and their actions were to be written down and reported to him everyday, and eventually he would find out whether or not the rape story was real. If it was, then he'd have contact with Near and find the rapist. If it wasn't, then Near was going to have to expose his intentions.

It should kill about a week's time.

Meanwhile, since he was alone….

He pulled out the MyScene doll and sat it on the desk. He frowned at it and started to touch its little imperfections.. The Swiss Army knife really was sharp. That's why the places where the twisty ties held were scratched up, some even cut into. "Poor things, they're empty inside." He tried to play with it, jigging it around and making it talk to one of his fingers, but quickly grew bored. How'd girls find fun in these things?

Oh, well. Since that didn't work, he might as well work.

He turned on the cameras to Near's room and watched calmly as the boy slept.

Near was certainly delicate in appearance. Like a lamb, he was small and ….white. So small. The boy wasn't that old, but still, his body was that of a seven year old, even a five year old at some times. His pajamas were baggy, yet that seemed to just highlight how petite he was. He was meant to be protected. A little lamb in need of a shepherd.

Well, who better to be Near's shepherd than L, a genius.

He sighed and scooted the chair up to the monitor. Near was shivering, and really needed his covers pulled up over him. L would buy him a pair of nice, white pajamas before he left.

White complimented him so much; pale to the point of having a pigment disorder, soft white curls, and pale eyes. Yep, a small white lamb.

L smiled as he leaned back.

He was so opposite of Near. When beside each other they're black and white, but black and white are the same in the grand scope of things. Both are color-less, both go great with others, and both really shine when compared with the other.

White goes with nothing better than black; Near goes with no one better than L.

So Near, in a way, was his. And he couldn't really complain. No one else would have him staring at the screen out of mere fascination, or comparing and contrasting.

Or slightly aroused.

* * *

The door to the room opened, and Roger walked in. Watari smiled at him and beckoned him over to a small chair. "What's wrong with that chair?" Watari sent a look towards the large chair behind the desk and frowned. "I sat down and this strong odor hit me, and this sticky stuff was all underneath the armrests."

Watari was confused as well, and walked over to feel under the armrests. "Do you think it the jelly from a doughnut?" "I think so. We had some earlier for the staff."

Roger's briefcase was opened and Watari took the chair previously offered. The inside of the briefcase was lined in lights, and it illuminated the evil grins that spread over the two men's faces.

"It's perfect." "I know. The best thing to put that L in his place."

Roger reached into his pocket and pulled out leather gloves, which he slipped on his hands before picking up the item. "I had to search long and hard for this. Looong and hard. But, oh is it worth it."

They laid it down softly on the table, making cooing sounds. "No longer will we be outsmarted by him, treated like stupid pawns because we're not geniuses. I will no longer be your mindless slave, 'Ryuuzaki-_san_'!"

"Do you believe he had the balls to talk to me like I was a kid? _'Did your best, did you' _he said! Oh, we'll show him! Try it out, I need to be completely sure it will work on him." Roger gripped the desk harder as he remembered. He had played his Slipknot and Korn records the rest of the day but his anger hadn't fizzled until it was time for their meeting. Now it was back stronger than before. Oh yeah, that L would get what he deserved.

Watari started to read, and Roger smiled to himself. He had a perfect find, maybe even perfect enough for Watari to help him sneak out and go to a strip joint with him. Mmm, he hadn't had a taste of PusPus in a while.

"One girl gets on a bus. She has one backpack. In her backpack she has seven large cats. Each large cat has seven little cats. How many legs are on the bus?"

Roger let out a loud cackle as soon as Watari finished. Perfect! L would think himself so smart as he said the answer, and would be wrong again and again while Watari and Roger pointed and mocked him!

"You outdid yourself with this one! When do you want to trap him and lay it on him?" Watari asked as he set the paper softly back into the case. "Hmm, after he finds Near's rapist. No, no, he didn't follow the pamphlet, so it'll take him too long. Okay, one week to find out a little more to help us with Near, and then right at midnight we give it to him. It'll be perfect!"

Watari nodded and they both threw their heads back and started to laugh maniacally.

* * *

"Neeeeaaarrrr." Near gulped as he heard the door to his room slammed open. He tightened his grip on the sheets and kept his eyes closed. A hand flung itself close to him and he jumped awake from the fear of being beaten. Mello laughed and plopped himself down on the bed. "You're such a sissy!" Mello smiled at him in his evil little way and Near looked up at the most visible camera with the most pitiful look that he could muster.

In Roger's office, L couldn't help but growl at Mello.

Back in the room Mello pulled Near up and drug him out of the room. "Now, we got a big day ahead of us! Know why?" "Of c--" At the look Mello sent him, he quickly whispered out a "no, sir." Mello patted his head and then kissed his cheek. "Today you're going to try on your new costume!"

Near's feet immediately stopped as he stared in horror at the taller boy. Mello looked back in confusion at the stopped pace before smiling and nodding. "That's right, Near," His smile covered his face in a very Jack Nicholson way that made the dread in the pale boy worse. "Matt ordered you a little costume right after Roger told me I was your Social-Buddy. It cost way much to get it here within three days, but boy was it worth it."

Mello started to walk again, dragging Near with him to his room. Both of them didn't notice their math teacher, Mrs. Fran, following them, notepad in hand.

Jackson was getting ready, only boxers on and by the closet, when Near and Mello walked in. Mello sneered at him and shouted for him to learn to sleep in clothes, while Near felt a blush rise to his cheeks. Who knew Jackson worked out? The other boy noticed the blush and blew a small kiss to him, which Mello was quick to whine about. "Can you just hurry up and get dressed!?" Jackson rolled his eyes and picked out an outfit.

"Near, would you like to come with me to breakfast?"

"NO HE WON'T!" Mello, being the ever dramatic boy that he was, threw Near behind him, which wound up with the pale boy banging his bony hip against the wall.

"Why don't you cool it, Mello!" "He's _my _Social-Buddy! Which means he's supposed to go to breakfast with _me_!" They both turned to Near, expecting him to pick a dining companion. "Near, he's crazy, just wait for me to get dressed and I'll take you." He quickly put on a jumper and some pants, but by that time Mello had gripped Near's wrist and rushed him over to his bed, where he threw him down and sat on him.

Jackson threw his hands up and just gave up. "Have it your way, Mello." "Oh ho, I will!" He waited until the boy left completely before getting off Near and kicking an already dented part of the wall. "Stupid. Idiot's. Going. To. Be. Outta. Here. Soon!!" He kicked the wall with each word, and poor Near reached into his pocket, pulling out two small Matchbox cars from his pocket and playing with them.

Mello's little fit and Near's playing went on for a while, as the narrator of life was out of material. Poor Mrs. Fran, who was watching this from the large crack between the open door and the frame left by Jackson, was about to fall over from boredom. But she was soon saved when it finally hit Mello as to why he had brought Near there in the first place.

"Oh, yeah! Your costume!" He dived under the bed, and Near, who hadn't been paying a bit of attention, shot up at the loud banging and moving from under the bed. Oh god….the B-boogie M-man was real!

He threw his cars up and let out a loud, shrill scream as scrambled off the bed and ran (more like quickly wobbled) towards the door. Bad thing was he lost balance after opening the door wider, so as soon as he hit the hall floor his legs flung out from under him and he banged his head on the ground.

The last thing he heard before passing out was Mello screaming, "there's a goddamn car in my eye!".


	5. The Rapist is Therapist

**Author's Note: Here is where the content edits come in! Wheee! The reason for them is because the story, after reading it over for the last last chapter, everything was lot more dirty than what I intended when I wrote it. Last chapter was when things started to go down hill, but this seemed like a good (read: easy) place to start. I feel cleansed after this. I removed the "oral" scene, because it just didn't fly. I didn't like it, I don't understand how that flew over my head when I wrote it either. **

**1.) ..That's the Cowboy Bebop song when sang. A girl I know did this in a bookstore, and stealing from real life's great.**

* * *

Dark shadows spread behind the very, very angry Mello as he walked; the fact that that sentence contained an oxymoron because of his name only further caused his rage to increase. He stomped to the "dum, duh-duh-duh-dum" beat as he hissed and made the entire nursery department two floors up cry. He passed by a mirror conveniently left on the ground and threw his fist into the wall.

Under the bandage covering his left eye was, in fact, a bruised eye. How do you bruise an eyeball! No, no, it wasn't the eyeball that was bruised. It was the iris. A BRUISED IRIS! Therefore, as the doctor had explained, he wouldn't be able to fucking see until it healed itself, which could take up to months.

Near was so getting sodomized the next time he came around!

"Yo." "WHAT DO YOU WANT, MATT!?"

He bent half-over and panted as Matt stared down at his Gameboy. "How's the bruise?" His little man was then run over by a barrel. "It's great, Matt, it's perfect! Why don't I show you how great it is!" With a banshee cry he ran forward to kill the red-head.

Matt stepped away, now a little irritated about dying for the first time in his months of playing. "Listen, nut case, I've got an idea for your revenge." Mello looked less murderous at this, but turned his nose up and pretended to be indifferent. "I already have one." "Yeah, sure, but you can't exactly wrangle up a gang rape for him."

Sure he could, lord knows everyone in this story wanted to screw the boy!

"But there is something we can do...legally." "Where's the fun in that?" Matt shrugged and leaned against the wall. "It'll totally humiliate him. He'll be so depressed he'll move to last place in class." A large light seemed to surround Mello, and he got on his knees as he looked at up Matt with tears shining in his eyes. "H-humiliate him? Last of class?" Matt nodded and started to slowly walk away. "There's a packet hidden underneath your pillow. You didn't get it from me."

Mello stared after him, feeling as if God had just visited him. Matt flicked him a head nod right as he turned down to go down another hallway.

Near... he'd get his soon...oh ho, sweet revenge soon!

* * *

Dr. Beltalco was the first thing he saw when he woke up in the infirmary bed. Two wrapped presents and a small bag was in a large plastic bag in one hand. He had a small smile on his face and to his eyes, and Near felt a large hand brushing over his tummy. He looked around at the room, noting that no one was there, not even the nurses. He could have sworn that hypochondriac kid was there earlier, too!

He moved to sit up but the hand on his tummy pressed him down. The man gently sat beside his back, resuming his light petting and having has bent knee press against the pale boy's rear. Near subtly tried to move away, but the more he tried the harder the knee pressed. It even got to the point where the knee was trying to slide between his cheeks.

"Are you better now? You had a mild concussion earlier and just didn't want to wake up." The hand moved up higher and brushed over the slightly red cheek of the side he was laying on. Near made a positive sound, causing the man to smile wider. "I'm glad. We have daily appointments, so this way we get to stay on schedule!" He suddenly got a scary, angry look that caused Near to whimper and try to back away from the hand pressing painfully into his tummy, which thus caused him to press backwards into the knee. "Everything must be on schedule."

After a few very awkward and tense seconds, Dr. Beltalco suddenly laughed and regained his smile back. "That's right, I was thinking shortly after our last session, and I think that we should to slowly gain a more casual relationship. For starters, small personal information should be exchanged. Do you want to?" He looked down at the large bag in his hand after the question, and through a rip in the paper Near could barely make out a large C on the top of a large box. His eyes widened and he moved to reach for it, but it was dropped onto the ground and kicked under the bed. "What do you say, Near?" "Yes." The man patted his tummy lightly in what he guessed was an approving manner.

"Okay, I'll start. I'd like for you to call me by my first name, Encha --my whole name's Encha Laddat Beltalco, but Encha is enough. My fiance's name is Jinna, and she's studying the history and growth of sexuality, currently at Yale. Uhm, well, that's really all. I really would like to get to know you, so feel free to approach me with any subject or request. Now, tell me about yourself."

Encha had a large smile on his face, while Near looked at the man with an expression practically screaming that no, he did not give a shit. He was tempted to just go back into a concussion when the large C on the box top came to mind. C was the beginning of a whole lot of great words, like car, or you know, Citi being examples.

"I'm Near. I'm not albino. I like Sno Caps a lot. I used to have a penpal named Roberto who went to Harvard. I think he studied sexuality as well, because he asked me a lot of questions about my thing. Then he asked me to meet him in an alley, to study my thing, and I did. We studied."

Twin streaks of blood poured from Encha's nose, and he started to sweat. "I-I see. Well. Let's just, let's just move on!"

After coughing a lot and finally getting the blood to stop, Encha leaned forward and started brushing through Near's curls. "I have a big surprise for you." He bent over and grabbed up the bag. "Kiss me if you want it." He moved his hand behind him and leaned back on it, thrusting his hips up slightly to show where he wanted the kiss. Near, who had wrapped his finger in his hair just a few seconds earlier, ripped the lock out. He just had to be kidding.

Encha thrusted his hips up a few more times before letting out an annoyed grunt. "As a detective prodigy child, you should know that all smart adults keep receipts; receipts make it able to return things." Maybe just one kiss wouldn't be so bad!

He moved around to lay on his stomach with his head on the man's knee. Encha shivered and unzipped his pants, opening them just enough for the bulge to be easier to access. He moved his hand to the pale curls and started to play with them as he waited in anticipation.

Near was like freaking out in the meanwhile. There was no way to avoid this, and dammit, the Barbies were just so close! No one would ever find out if he just gave the thing a little peck. With that in mind, he leaned forward and lightly pressed his lips against the bulge, then used his torso to push himself away.

"Kiss it like you were kissed."

The boy's inner ...boy... rolled off the bed at this. The most kissing experience he had was from the T.V., and kissing those things were never covered! It had a leak, too. Well, he could just wing it! He was top of--ahem-- all his classes. And there was only one way to kiss stuff.

He leaned forward and puckered up his lips, pretending to press his lips against it.. Encha fell backwards at this, and started to try to stab the thing into his mouth. He made kissing noises all over the top, Encha not noticing. Curious, poked it, and made a "yuck" noise as that odor started up.

Oh God, he just orally raped a boy! Well, he had a good run out in the free world as an adult, and it was worth losing his freedom for. He sighed and reached under the bed, pulling out the large bag. "It's time for your presents." He moved the boy to sit in his lap, though rather strangely as one knee as tucked under Encha's leg and the other was flopped over another leg, then he pulled out one of the presents and sat it down.

It had better be just what he wanted, Near thought as he started to savagely rip the paper off. He even started to huff and growl before every scrap was out of the way and he could view his reward.

"YAAAAAAAYYYYY!!"

He screamed as he hugged the box against his chest. It was the Citi Trend Barbie! From what the box said, it was _the_ Barbie who he had gotten! She was just as cool as she was on the commercial!!

When another present was layed in front of him he sat Barbie's box down and just turned his head and chewed on a side, not yet ready to be parted from it. Once again he tore through the paper, ignoring Encha's petting and laughter.

This time it was a boy doll, and eh, it was sort of cool, he guessed. Not as cool as the Barbie, though.

"Do you like them?" Stupid bastard. He pulled him away from his Barbie! He flopped and tried to reach for it with his teeth, but Encha only laughed and hugged him. "I saw a house for them, too. Would you like it?" Hot dog, would he! "Haha, then I'l--, wait a minute."

Oh, shit. That was never good. Especially not when he suddenly pulled a pen and notepad out.

"What appeal do you find in these things?" Uh, duuuuh, they were like playing with real people, but you controlled the action and made up the story! And he said that, but it came out just a litttttle differently. "Through them I can be free and in control."

* * *

L, who had NOT been subtly masturbating to the thought of a decadent chocolate cake with a nice cream cheese icing, had been surprised (not 'cause he was masturbating!) when the head nurse, Mrs. Honma, had came running in. She told him all about Dr. Beltalco and Near, about the presents, the candy, and Roberto.

Which brought L to now, sitting in Roger's chair and staring ahead. Roger was thoroughly uncomfortable, and had to force down the urge to start waving his hand in front of the googly eyes. He couldn't hold out anymore! The guy was just sitting there, hasn't moved for the past twenty minutes! He was so open! Man, and Watari would owe him a beer if he did anything to L.

He leaned forward as close to L's ear as he could from behind without gaining notice, and with just a thought of that nice, cold beer, he gathered air into his lungs and let out a --

"EEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!"

--a gasp as he felt his heart stop. L shut his mouth into a smile, and turned over his shoulder to look at him. "I have come to a conclusion...," He looked ahead again. "That spider on the web in the front right corner is not able to talk, therefore her name shouldn't be Charlotte."

Roger flopped onto the ground, creating a pitiful picture of an old, worn out man who just hadn't had an easy day in his life. L, half-lidding his eyes and frowning in disapproval, threw the pencil sharpener at him. "It's full. Take a proper seat, listen to my deductions regarding Near's case, and then empty it."

When Roger sat down in the chair across from him and stopped dry-sobbing, L took his previously sharpened pencil and started to draw on the back of Roger's family photo. "Here is the evidence I've come to so far.

"Near was raped, without a doubt. And I think he's been subtly giving us signs as to just what's going on for him. First, he's caught without pants and with Barbies engaging in sexually explicit activities. He doesn't say as to why he's made them act in such a manner. He then goes through a seizure, yet looking now he doesn't show any of the affects a seizure causes. And in the diary he hints at a man raping him, yet Mrs. Honma heard a completely different story still in the rape category."

It's just so sad, Roger couldn't help but think as he looked at the desk. Why, why kill Spike! And to trick the audience! To make it seem like he would live, and then to have him die in the snow! Spike was the coolest, he was so great, and they had to kill him! They had to kill Spike--ba dah duh duh dah duh duh.(1)

"And Roger wants to take it up the ass by Watari's very, very shriveled peepee. But that's beside the point right now, isn't it, Roger." "Huh!?"

"Exactly. Now. Back to the, I guess not so important, rape case of a boy whose age I have no clue about yet.

"Like I was saying, he can't say who raped him, so he's giving us clues and hints, waiting for us to find the culprit. And today we found him. Roger, after much thinking on this--which you tried to ruin--I've come to find that the rapist is," He paused, as if mentally making sure that he was right. "therapist. The rapist is therapist."

At this Roger rolled his eyes. "Well, a-duh. Now, who raped Near!?" "The rapist is therapist!" Roger huffed and stood up. "You had the nerve to say that I didn't care about this serious crime, and yet you're pulling off this truly tasteless joke. I hope you've received your satisfaction at the expense of an innocent boy!" He stormed off, leaving L with the most violent face twitch every experienced.

"Gyah!!" He shouted as he ripped out handfuls of his hair. "THE RAPIST IS THE THERA--Crap."


	6. Cucumber Affair

_**Author's Note: This chapter is found! Which means -drum roll- that deleting of the story? Not gonna happen! Thanks to the best person ever that's not gonna happen! Not only was this chapter lost, but it was awesome, it was important, and I personally didn't want to delete this story. But that's all in the past. So, enjoy! This story is now, without a doubt, done. Edits? Done. Epilouge? Done. Old Note: I just realized that I made Mello a catty girl in this story. Oops! In one story, titled Near Likes L -gooo, LNear authors!-, the author has a funny scene that hints at WatariRoger. I loved the thought of that pairing, so credit goes to the other author.**_

_**Shout out: Maiden of the Moon, who had the story saved and sent me the chapter. She saved it, she's awesome. I'm leaving Lady Alione in honor of her. **_

_**

* * *

**_

_**"**_We have him right where we want him. Just a little bit longer until he meets the ultimate form of humiliation."

Music pumped through the club as the two men sat together at a table in the back. A scantly clad woman danced on the table, "accidentally" kicking over their drinks and forcing them to buy more. The younger looking one of the two ran his wrinkled hand up her leg, slowly pushing a twenty into her thong.

The two shared an evil, low cackle. Their years of being kicked around by the bastard were to be no more! All they needed to do was catch him right when he was vulnerable, which he was close to being now now that Near's rapist was discovered.

"I got him, boy, did I get him, Watari." Roger said as he patted PusPus' rear. "He told me who the rapist was, but that idiot forgot to add a word in there. I picked up on that quick, told him to quit joking, then walked away. He's probably ripping his hair out now." They both laughed and Watari reached up to also pet the stripper's behind.

His hand brushed Roger's, and he quickly pulled it away, keeping the red from reaching his cheeks. Roger didn't notice and continued laughing. "So, when do you think we should get him?"

Watari pulled out a pen and unfolded a napkin, planning to write out their plans. Roger listed their ideas, only just a little too fast. Watari wrote as fast as Roger listed, but unfolded cocktail napkins only take so much. Holes kept ripping in it, and Watari kept growling and writing harder, causing more holes. When the entire thing ripped in half, he shouted and flung his hand holding the pen off to the side.

"FUCK IT!"

"AHHH!"

That was never a good sign. Especially when something wet and thick suddenly splashes all across your face.

"PusPus!"

He looked up, had to take off his blood covered glasses, and gasped. There was PusPus, still bent on her knees with her face by Roger's exposed nipple, a pen stabbed into her right butt cheek as blood poured down the pen. "Oh my word! Oh my word!" He grabbed it on instinct and tugged it out, which caused endless amounts of blood to squirt out. PusPus screamed, biting onto Roger's nipple. The orphanage owner also screamed as he pushed and slapped the stripper in an attempt to get her off, and blood started to dribbled down his exposed stomach.

Watari's eyes moved from the stripper's wounds to Roger's stomach, his breathing getting heavier. Who knew Roger had such a hot bod. A six pack that looked tight and firm, muscled pecks, and he could tell that his back was ripped. His eyes shut softly as he hummed in pleasure. Roger was a sexy beast! His hands rubbed down his chest as he thought of a shirtless Roger, flexing his torso and toned buns. Oh, and he would be oiled up.

His fantasy Roger would talk in a big, muscled voice with a Russian accent. No, Spanish! A Spanish voice that would roll his R and speak in a whisper. "Wa-tarrrr-ee," He would say. Not shouting "Watari, goddammit!" with a British accent. "It's all rrrright, let your," He would half-lid his eyes here. "desirres rrrrun frreee. Plunderrrr my trrreasurre cave of love, hold my meat of worrrship." Much, much better than "Are you masturbating! Watari, what the fuck! People are watching! Call the orphanage!"

Sighing, he opened his eyes back to reality, promising his fantasy Roger that tonight, in the privacy of his room, they would make a connection of the bodies so sweet that angels themselves would come to join. Then he got out his cellphone. "L, I'm calling to tell you that Roger and I were in an accident. We' won't be home until morning I suspect." He hung up, then dialed another number. "Watari, 19R302. Kitchen." He softly hummed along to the music, but stopped quickly when more blood from PusPus' behind squirted on him. "Hello, Bill. Yes, it's Watari. I'm just calling to request that you wrap up a cucumber and some dressing and save it for me.. ...No, leave it whole."

* * *

A poor, sad lamb-like boy stared at the bathroom mirror. Mello, who was laughing maniacally, and Matt stood behind him.

Near looked at himself and just couldn't stop from sadly exhaling, trying to keep his eyes from tearing up. How on Earth did he, a genius, fall to this level? All because of Barbies.

Which reminded him! He smiled and started to giggle.

His Barbies were so great!

After he had returned to his room (read: ran away from Encha), he had played with his Barbies nonstop. He had pulled out every toy he owned, arranged everything on his side of the room to make one large town, and had made a plot.

Barbie: Woman on the Rocks was now up to five chapters. Barbie, a young woman just trying to make it in the college world of her dreams, was struggling to gain a grip of her drinking, find a job so she could quit prostitution. In the end of chapter one, while on her way to her meeting spot with Bumblebee, had met the male Barbie doll --named Natethanial--, the art professor at her college! He instantly could tell what she was doing and tried to stop her, but became angry when she slapped him and refused. He had raped her, and for the next four chapters they had slowly been forming a fragile relationship.

"Near, HELLOO, wake up!"

He snapped out of his head and looked up to meet with an annoyed Mello's eyes in the mirror. Mello suddenly grinned at him, laughing and walking closer. "You're a dirty boy, enjoying your dance costume. I heard that naughty giggle. Hey, Matt, look how much he enjoys it."

No answer. Mello scrunched up his face and tuned to look at the red-head. "Matt?" Near turned around, subtly scooting away from Mello while doing so.

Matt wasn't moving, His fingers weren't even hitting the buttons of his game system. His head was down turned and he stood completely still. Mello walked over to, calling out his name. When the boy still didn't answer, the blonde became irate. "MATT!!" And shoved him backwards.

Matt's body jerked and his head snapped up. "Huh!"

Mello's eye twitched before he went into a fit. "MATT! You idiot! We're torturing Near, how could you sleep through such gratification! Wait, you always look like that when I talk to y--DO YOU SLEEP WHILE I TALK TO YOU!?"

Near turned to look at himself in the mirror once again.

It'd be an attractive outfit it was on someone who didn't have a crooked hunch to their posture. His hair, pulled up into as tight and small a ponytail as it would go was in a Barney hair bow, and he itched to rip it all out.

He sighed, then looked back to make sure Mello was still occupied. When the positive was confirmed he made a run for it, scurrying quickly to his room.

And he would have been safely locked inside, had it not been for the large hand that shot out of the darkness and grabbed him.

He let out a half an "eek", but then another hand slapped over his mouth and pushed open his lips. "Mmp?" A sweet, chocolate taste hit his tongue; thick, chewy chocolate that was starting to hurt his teeth, instantly recognized as a Milk Dud.

A ...Milk Dud? Other than the risk of ripping out his teeth, clogging his throat, and causing cavities to erupt in his mouth, a Milk Dud wasn't hazardous. Another one was pushed into his mouth, then another, followed by three at once.

Pretty soon he was being dragged as he attempted to chew up the large, fist-sized glob of Milk Duds. Brown spit spilled from the sides of his mouth, and pretty soon he had to open his mouth in order to actually break little pieces off.

They came to Dr. Beltalco's office, and he found himself seated in his kidnapper's lap. He swallowed the now smaller glob, and looked at the man, finding himself face to face with Dr. Beltalco himself.

The man was crying and was digging out more candy packages from his trench coat's pocket.

"Near," He said as he sat picked out two gummy bears from a box and sat them on the desk. He shoved the rest into the small, sore mouth of the boy on his lap. "There's a hindrance to our being together." He kissed the boy's moving mouth, then took hold of the gummy bears.

"This red one is me, and this orange one is you. Now," He moved the two gummies together. "we both love each other very much, but others don't see it that way. They see me as a sick man who took advantage of a little lamb's innocence, but that's not true! It's love!"

He broke out into more tears, but then suddenly stopped. "Wait, why are you wearing such a costume!? Who gave that to you!?" "...It was in a nurse's locker, and the note said to wear it to Roger's office." The man looked like he wanted to say something, but Near blinked and licked his lips. Distracted by this, Dr. Beltalco broke into sobs.

"They're all looking for me. They've reported me to the authorities for rape. Which brings me to... oh, Near, we can no longer be together!" He smashed the two gummy bears into Near's back as he slammed the boy into his chest, gripping him tightly. "But no matter what," He sobbed. "I am your gummy bear."

With a kiss to Near again, this time thrusting his tongue into the small mouth and digging out some remaining residue of the Milk Dud glob, he said goodbye.

The lights flicked on then, and the door to the hallway and the closet opened. Police ran in, teachers followed, and L came to stand in the doorway. They all looked at Near strangely, and seemed to jump to the conclusion that he had received it from the man; they police pulled out their tasers.

Dr. Beltalco screamed and dived out of the chair, causing Near to fall onto the floor. The therapist then tried to run, attempting to push L out of the way. "It was love! Near, I love you! We'll be toge--" A skinny leg whacked him in the head, knocking him out.

Near silently whispered as a tear rolled down his cheek. "I am your gummy bear."

"Your name is quite the tongue twister. Now then, we know that you're the rapist Near had been trying to tell us about. All we had to do was put the clues together." He looked over at Near and formed his lips into a V. "I still haven't figured out the curious interest in--" Near's lips stretched back, forming into a bracket, as his eyes grew large. "a certain activity. So, I'll be staying until I figure it out. Goodbye."

Well, that was strange, Near thought as L suddenly turned and walked out of sight. Though he soon forgot about that as Mello and Matt came through the doorway.

"Oh, I'm pissed!"

* * *

God, please, strike down Mello.

"You thought you could play dirty! Run away! NUH-UH! We gotcha, and you're going to pay for such insolence!"

I'm sorry I lied multiple times. I'm sorry I stole those two Barbies--hm, I forgot completely about those other Barbies. Oh, that's right, Roger gave that ... that bitch her Barbies back! They were mine! Mine, mine, mine, mine, not hers!

"You're going to go in there and do just like we practiced! Only, you better do good! I had to pay that nurse five dollars just to tell us where he was, so don't you dare fail!"

I'm a sick looking boy, there's got to be something wrong with me. Please let my heart suddenly collapse, or a brain vessel burst.

His prayers weren't answered. Mello ripped open the door to L's room and shoved Near inside.

Black frog eyes met his, and he reached up to twirl a lock of hair, but remembered the state of his hair, causing him to break off the end of his extremely unclipped big toenail; geniuses always kept plan B's. He went to sit down, but Mello and Matt had threw the door open. "Don't think about it!" L cocked his head to the side, and Near sighed, lowered his head, and then moved forward.

Matt twisted his PSP around so that L could face the screen, and with a straight face he pressed play.

A disco drum beat sounded, and L's eyes widened.

Near was... who gave him that outfit! He watched closely as the boys hips, covered by a silk red sash over see through white material, started to move. Blood poured down from his nose.

The material showed his twiggy, slightly bent knees, as well did the top part show his small, pale, scrumptious shoulders. But, like the bottom part, a silk sash covered his chest. Dammit!

The boy started to twist and move along to the rhythm of the lyrics, which was so awkward that L found himself smiling.

A blush bloomed on Near's cheeks, but it was almost impossible to tell. Whoever had done his makeup (Mello's eyes twinkled as he noticed where the detective's eyes were) had no idea how awful it looked. White lipstick coated his lips, chin, and the tip of his nose, red eyeliner had been used to draw circles all over the pale cheeks, and he had to cough to cover his laugh at the black eyeshadow that reached past the eyebrows.

Near did a twirl, and L couldn't take anymore.

"Matt," The boy's head snapped up as he 'huh'-ed. "Mello," The gender-less mushroom head's eyes shined as he pointed his finger at Near and began cackling. "you two leave. Near, come here."

Matt had to drag a stiff Mello out of the room.

Near and L met eyes, and the two both moved forward towards the other.

* * *

Roger and a limping Watari whispered as they planned their attack in Dr. Beltalco's empty office. On the other side of the door, out in the hallway, Matt and a murderous Mello also planned.

Soon, soon that bastard L and that girlie, annoying, no good, domination ruining, son of a bitch who took all the A's that he didn't deserve would be taken down


	7. It's Hate, It's Lurve, It's Broken Porn

**Author's Note:_ Well, this is it! And what a journey I've had through it. I've went down to just 116 hits the last chapter, became paranoid of copy cats, made a friend, made a wife (we married in Japan, it was violent), grew closer with my father, lost respect, and discovered a pffft for research. Oh, and I became defiant! I REFUSE TO SHOULDER YOU, M RATING! OkageHime, I'm finally getting around to the end of your request ... which I kind of failed. Sorry!. Eh, kind of an anti-climax, I'm not all that fond of it. THERE WILL BE AN EPILOUGE._**

_**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.**_

"Near." "L."

The sound of a crazed bird continuing to slam itself into the widow was the only sound in the room. Wide, pale eyes and frog eyes held gazes. A pale boy in a belly dancing outfit moved to pull himself onto the desk. The raven-haired man across from him nibbled on his thumb.

Near was a little ...underwhelmed. The only reason he had gone through all this was to get L to buy him all the Barbie stuff he wanted, including but not limited to: everything. But now he had all that stuff. Two Citi Trend Barbies, clothes (that Susie Micha couldn't even fit her fat Barbies in, those cows didn't need them!), and a doll house that Dr. Beltalco had had a friend send. It was the same one as off the TV, and when he opened it the strangest magazines, all titled Shota Holes, came pouring out; one glance inside had him leaving it in the recycle bin.

But back to the point, L was no longer needed. Well, okay, maybe a little. After all, he did have a rape, a seizure, and a lot of girl clothing to clear, not to mention also had a therapist in jail for pedophilia.

But boy, were those Barbies great!!

A hand placed itself on his head, and he looked up. L smiled around his thumb. "How many bruises did Mello give you before you could do that dance?"

He shuddered, recalling every practice. And before answering truthfully, an evil little Megatron appeared on his shoulder, whispering the plan. "He bruised my butthole." "I know you're lying."

Uh, what the hell?

"I'm not." L's amused dark eyes didn't even blink. Megatron was quickly replaced by an even more evil, and far more annoying, half pigtailed Japanese pop idol. _"Near-chan! That L dummy is stupid, he's so homo, you know! Here, Misa-Misa will tell you a plan! Since he won't shut up and buy lying, pity works just as good! Misa-Misa guaranteed!"_ She poofed out of sight, winking with her index and middle finger up, and Near let out a small sigh.

"L, I'm sorry." He lowered his eyes and pouted. L patted his head, then began rubbing the top of his left ear. "You're not." Ho, his fingers felt good. Now he just needed to rub a little--

L's fingers moved down to the lobe, massaging it gently. Near turned into putty; he slid down off the desk smoothly, and L moved his knees a bit apart from his chest for the small boy to slide in between. His arms went around the small bit of shoulder not covered by his knees. "You're not sorry, because all has gone according to your plan."

Okay, something wasn't right! He arrested Dr. Beltalco earlier, beliving him to be the rapist, and him to be giving secret signals. So what was the problem with that great conclusion!? He frowned and dropped his act, looking at the man with blank eyes. "Plan, L?"

"Yes. It took your dance to make me put all the clues together. You weren't raped at all, were you, though you did come close?" The boy got a more guarded look, lowering his head until his hair fell into his eyes. "You were out for something the entire time, and you did whatever would get it. You lied about your rape to get Roger to call me, you lied about the seizure to steal a girl's doll, you dealt with all of Mello's shit, and you turned your therapist into a pedophile. And for what?"

L smiled.

"For Barbies. You ruined the lives of the people around you for your selfishness, your desire to have."

Near's eye twitched. His shoulders shook. His back hunched. L straightened his spine a bit, letting the boy hunch over into a ball. "Kukuku...L-san," White, little hands suddenly flung up, wrapping around his throat. The boy leaned back on the bony knees as he tightened his grip, pulling the neck forwards to break as much as he could. "You're a meddler, and now there's nothing to do but kill off your character!"

More tightening, then loosening, then tightening, then loosening. L could tell he was going to have a massive crick in his neck come tomorrow. Near jumped up, straddling the knees as he began to fling L's head side to side. "You're bound to die eventually!"

The big hand on the clock slowly went from an even number to up by four odd ones. Near was starting to get sleepy, but whenever he felt himself start to doze off he just shook L's head more. When he didn't look like he could fight it anymore, his hands slid down to L's shoulders, and he scooted forward back into L's half-lap.

A pale hand started to brush through his hair, and the hips started to lean backwards and forwards. Near's bottom lip was sucked into his mouth, and he didn't care that after his nap the shit would hit the fan. The sharp chin pressed into his shoulder, two fingers of the free hand rubbing circles lightly into his spine.

"I bought you a Barbie." The boy woke up some, looking up at him with suspicion. "Do you want it?" Oh, great, was he going to have to touch his thing for it? The body against his moved, and he grumbled and started back to sleep. Oh well, it wasn't like one more grope would make him gay or anything.

L opened a drawer, and the next thing Near knew he had a wonderful box being slammed against his face. He sat up, started to breathe through his clenched teeth and flung his body onto L's arm. L's body leaned to that side, but he kept his arm up and his butt in the chair.

"Is this Barbie!? No, it's," His pale eyes lit up. "is it the black one!?"

Using his crooked spine, he slowly flipped himself (though it looked like a roll from above, making L suddenly visualize Near as the vanilla center of a swiss roll, making him go off into dream land, a dazed look on his face) onto the ground. He snapped his teeth onto the Barbie box, violently ripping it out of L's hand. He gnawed on it, just sitting there; L stirred his index finger in his previously forgotten hot chocolate. Taking a sip, his eyes narrowed. "Oh, you're a smooth chocolate, sliding over my taste buds with your coco warmth." He _thought_ he had just whispered it, used to saying these things around Watari, whose hearing wasn't exactly what it used to be.

"What was that, Mello?" A loud cough came from the adult, and he turned to glare at the boy. "Why not open your toy, Near?" "You were distracting me with your wish to add _milk_ to your drink." Oh no, he did not! "Well, Near," He began in a monotonous voice, which quickly-- well, stayed monotonous. "you being a sissy distracted me." "S.T.F.U, L." "I'm going to kick your ass." "I'll have you locked up for rape."

"Neither of you will do anything!"

They both snapped around, facing the two men standing in the door.

Wrinkles crinkled on both sets of faces as the owners grinned. "We need to have a word with you, L." They went to move forward, but instead were shoved forward by a blonde, huffing and puffing and ready to blow Near's skull in.

"You just stay there, Near! Matt--" Here the red-head came in, looking bored, his head nodding off just to snap back up. "-- and I also need to have a word with you!"

The two teams turned to look at the other. Simultaneously, they both claimed first. "NUH UH, old guys take forever, we're first!" Mello went to shout at Near, but Watari slammed a hand over his mouth. "But we're old, we never know when we're just going to kill over!" Roger shouted at him, but Matt came up and slapped a hand over his mouth, half leaning against him.

L and Near looked at each other, then L sighed. "Fine, you shall rock, paper, scissors for first place."

Matt and Roger faced off, their balled fists resting on their open palms. Mello and Watari also took on the same positions, and Near and L sighed, looking at the clock.

Roger and Matt started the count down. "Rock," Their fists hit their palms, still balled and ominous. "paper," They repeated, adrenaline building as they quickly thought up what would be their winning move. "scissors."

Their fists flung open upon their palms, and L cocked his head to the side, somehow took a sip of his hot chocolate without spilling it, and announced the results. "Ah, well, tough break, Roger." Here Near snickered and chimed in. "Used to those, are you?" "I guess _everyone_ doesn't know never to start off with scissors."

Watari sighed as Roger, his ears plugged by his fingers, waited against the wall. It was up to him now. He coughed, telling Mello that he needed to stop high fiveing Matt, whose hand was just held in the air so it was really one-sided, not that the currently one-eyed boy cared.

It was up to them now.

They met eyes, they focused, they readied their reflexes.

Their fists flew through the air, lungs let out breaths of disappointment, eyes widened.

Mello lost.

"Dammit!"

Roger hurried over, smirking at Mello as Watari reached into his pocket and pulled out a braclet box. He opened it, a string breaking and starting a chorus of hallajuhas.

They pressed their shoulders together as the turned to face Near and L, who were giving their attention to opening the Barbie instead.

They went to shout at them, but a similarly placed duo moved right beside them. "Before you go celebrating, it's a tie!" The blonde's finger wagged in front of them, and Watari hissed. "You better not be pointing that skinny finger at me, Patchy!" " SUCK IT, old man!"

Near and L rolled their eyes, annoyed and not finsihed with the twisty ties. "Fine. Near and I'll do a tie breaker. Near's for Watari's team, I'm for Mello's." They stuck their skinny wrists out, made bony fists that made their knuckles crack, and began.

"Rock." Mello's grin grew greatly.

"Paper." Watari's breathing briefly broke.

"Scissors." The room's tension tightened terribly.

"It's a tie." Growls came from everyone, save Matt, and the three launched forward to slam their fists onto the desk. "NO WAY!" They growled at each other before giving up and just shouting all at once. "NEAR!" "L!" And together, perfectly in unison, shouted--

"One girl gets on a bus! She has one backpack! In her backpack she has seven large cats! Each large cat has seven little cats! How many legs are on the bus!?"

* * *

Watari and Roger gasped and faced each other. "Those little brats!" They whispered, glaring over their shoulders. "There's no way they'll take the credit for this, we found it first." Roger sighed, feeling hopeless. "What can we do, though?"

Here Watari got a glint in his eye. "We don't care about Near, all that matters is L getting the answer wrong. And remember how many people got the answer wrong, not guessing the most obvious?" Roger smirked and confidently looked down at L.

"Well, L-san?"

* * *

Mello huffed as he leaned in close to Matt, glancing over at the smirking Roger. "You said it was perfect! It's not perfect if it's used by someone else! We can't slap him in the face with humiliation now!"

Matt reached into his back pocket and pulled out a cigarette he had found, too stressed out to worry about habits and addictive nicotine that follows a person through life. After taking a few deserved drags, he looked at Near. "We can still get him. Those two directed it at L, not Near. We're still the ones he'll think of as he cries himself to sleep and," he added this just to get the blonde off his back. "as he fails at school due to his depression."

They turned to stare at Near. "Well, Near?"

* * *

The two geniuses shared looks and turned back to stare wide-eyed up at the four. They were almost sad at how their only friends --because honestly, who else would talk to them?-- plotted to test them. Sure, Mello did it constantly, but Matt, Roger, and Watari? But, well, they asked.

"None, a bus doesn't have wheels."

Nothing was said as the four's faces went blank. They turned and slowly walked out of the room, leaving L and Near to go back to attempt to open the Barbie's box. The sounds of loud wailing and police sirens followed.

"Excuse me, officers--" Watari's tired voice asked with a mild hint of surprise. "We have a warrant to search the grounds for child pornography, and are to interrogate the staff."

Near and L, distracted from their task yet again by idiots, scooted out of the chair. Near was lifted onto L's back, inwardly complaining about how plump people were the only ones who gave good piggyback rides, and they peeked out the door.

Roger was a broken shell of his former self, blinking at the officers. "What do you want?" "Sir, we were alerted by the local recycle company of this in your paper bin." He flashed the magazine. Near did a half smile out of nervousness. "This is imported and highly illegal child porn, and since it was found in your orphanage, we have full access to search and question as we see fit. Any questions?" "Yeah, whatever." He was first to be pulled into the makeshift interrogation room.

Bored and figuring the officers would get all up in their business soon, they went back to the chair and Near climbed into L's lap as they started once again on the Barbie.

Their hands brushed, and Near paused before looking up at L. "In looking back, it wasn't all that smart to call for you. I could have easily just played with one of the girls and their dolls."

L smiled, tilting his head and twirling his fingers in the pale locks. "What did you feel when you thought of me on my way?" The boy thought, clawing at the Barbie box, and then had his mouth curve. "I wanted you to hurry up so I could see you."

L pressed a kiss to his forehead, smiling. "Exactly."

And they smiled at each other, the Barbie still in its box falling to the floor, forgotten. Near turned and swung his legs on the either side of L's hips, then resting his face in the crook of the thin neck. L started to rock softly again, brushing the curls back and rubbing Near's small back.

Despite the commotion outside, they were peaceful, they were content, and they were happy.

Until Near pulled back. "Wait, so you _like_ like me?"

_**OH I LOVE YOU, KEN**_

(_**the end**_)


	8. Wha? Not Over Yet?

**Author's Note: _Whee! The epilogue! Epilouge? Oh well. So, this is only for the fans who've read it everytime it was uploaded, because no readers are permitted, because I lost a chapter. ....And read all about that in Cucumber Affair, which is now titled OHMYGODWHATHAPPENED!?GODWHY!??. I'm rather happy with this. I hated the final chapter, but since this will all be deleted in the new year who cares! This is used to wrap things up a bit. I realize I failed at the LNear romance, but I'm breezing pretty well right now so I'm just going to type that with a smile. So, yeah, once again this is just for the readers who've read all the chapters, and who I promised this to. This is goodbye. Bye! -enthusiastic wave-_**

1.) Yeah.

2.) You know that "I'm Blue, dadadidaddada" song? ...That's it. Lego version! But I forgot some lyrics and which verse goes where, so that ended up as that.

* * *

_He held the boombox in his hands, playing a soft ballad, outside of her high window. The song was _her_ song, the one she said reminded her of him. She would come back to him. He looked up at the window with his frozen smile and----_

The batteries to the music died.

Near pouted. Way to ruin a scene. Reaching up, he buried his hand into his curls, lips V-smiling as he rummaged around. After a few seconds he brought out a tiny screwdriver, and a Jollyrancher. Popping the candy in his mouth---while making a small "nyah" noise----he reached into his hair again and pulled out two batteries.

After replacing it, tossing the other carelessly under his bed, the music started again and he stood his Fabio Barbie back into place.

_His long hair flowed around his face as he smiled up at the window. Suddenly the doors opened and his love came out. No other Fairytale Princesses couldn't compete with her neon go-go dress----_

Near growled and puffed his cheeks out. All right, he was mad. "L." Large frog eyes popped over the large Fairytale Princess castle. "Cease playing with me." And with that, he dropped Fabio and hobbled off. Sighing, L got up and slowly walked after the teenager.

The birdie staring into the window chirped a "WTF" at them, since it was like Gollum running from the Creeper. (1)

"Near," He shuffled faster. "No." "Wait." The boy hobbled faster. "As your boyfriend, I say wait." "I break up with you." "Then I want my stuff back."

The boy crumbled into his usual position on the ground. "Not the strawberry jam from Germany!" "Yes." "Monster."

He fiddled with the end of a curl, and L sat with his knees bent beside the almost-albino-but-not-quite, head cocked sideways at a gross angle as he wrapped a bony arm around the prodigy. "What are you mad about?"

"You're supposed to be Marilla, the princess." "But Sasha the go-go gives the story depth." Near stared at him before hitting him in the neck. L's neck went uncomfortably and nastily to the side, making a loud popping sound as the force made him slowly tip over.

"I won't play with you anymore." And with that he hobbled away back to his room.

* * *

Roger, who happened to be walking past, looked into the room at the tipped over genius. He sighed, shoulders hunched, and walked away. After a year of this crap he learned to ignore it. Though he made damn sure no extra bad-touchies took place.

But he still wasn't used to Watari's sudden touchiness.

It always happened out of the nowhere, the _touches_. He'd be in the bathroom and feel a sudden brush on his butt. Or he'd be resting his eyes in his office and feel something run through his hair. Or at any of the meals, when Watari would lean over to get something and he'd feel something slimy and tongue-y against his ear. Weird.

Now he was walking, alone, and felt a sudden chill. A Watari Chill. He walked faster, heading towards the crowded cafeteria. Just .... a few ..... more ..... RUN! He put a hand on his hip and ran as fast as he could, but was so slow a fly was born and died before he got even a inch, to which the bird on the tree outside chirped an "_ooooohhhhhh_."

A hand grabbed his wrist, and he screamed.

"STRRANNGER DANNGER!"

Suddenly all the doors flew open, an alarm sounded, and the distant sound of pounding feet grew closer.

Children and employees ran around to circle the attacker. They all had sharpened blocks, and they stared at him, some kids jumping on each other's shoulders to block his view of Roger. "All right," Watari said, raising his hands and sighing. "I know when I'm not wanted." He moved towards the detention room, children glaring and chanting a low "ebil, ebil". Roger nodded approvingly and began to clean his glasses, whispering lowly, "People = shit."

He turned and walked off in the bright sunshine filtering through the windows.

* * *

Now that the Narrator of Life tied up that one loose end, she returned to Near's situation. Near was sitting in his room, huddled under the covers, holding a Megatron against hist chest.

He hated L.

It was an unspoken agreement that Near controlled the pants in the game. He picked what game, L decided on the story, he reviewed it and then decided on costumes. They'd been together enough time to understand this.

But noooo, L had to be an idiot moron.

That dummy.

He closed his eyes and went into his Lego dream, the good one of him as a Lego, just sitting and playing in his Lego house with a Lego little window, and a Lego corvette, 'cause everything is Lego. Lego is the color of all that he wears. He has a boyfriend, and he is so Lego. (2)

Then he opened his eyes, gasped, and fell over, because L was under the covers and smiling all boogey-man like.

Unfortunately, his head made loud a "crack" sound, and he just knew that he broke his brain. L's eye peeked over the edge, and he reached out poke him. Near stared dazedly up at him, before frowning. "I'm calling rape again."

"Yes, that worked extremely well last time." He couldn't tell if it was sarcasm or not, but decided the headache slowly forming didn't care.

And it was all the current head trauma's fault, because he crawled back under the covers and L lifted him to slide between the hunched man's chest and knees.

Bony fingers went around to the back of Near's head and softly rubbed the hurting spot. Near felt droopy and sighed. "I'm sorry I chose Sasha instead of the one you wanted." L said. He mumbled, turning his head to sleepily smile up at him.

"Will you buy me the new Polly Pocket mall?" L's lips went all bracket-y and he blinked as he nodded. "Then I forgive you."

He sat up and pecked L's lips, before laying his head back down. L's cheeks briefly colored and rested his head on the other's, then pulled it back at the feel of random items poking his chin from the slight afro.

"Hey, L?"

"Mm-hm?"

"I...I _like_ like you."

"...I know."

And it was the end _again._

* * *

But not quite!

Mello was viciously munching on some chocolate, not even able to enjoy its greatness of a flavor. It was caramel filled, and the fact that he couldn't enjoy should drive home how annoyed he was.

"Matt?"

The redhead didn't look up.

"Is he here?"

"Kind of on level 99 here, Mello."

"_Is he here!?" _

Matt sighed, hit pause, and nodded.

Mello smiled, and evil smile of evil. "Gooooddd." He stood up, put his now defunct eyepatch on, and opened the door to the bathroom. "Welcome."

The stranger walked in, clad in a hoodie and a scarf. "Mello." "Stranger." They nodded, getting down to buisness.

They sat down, Mello by Matt and the stranger acros from them. "You've done your end of the deal?" Mello chuckled, hitting Matt on the elbow. "Oooowww!" Matt's head shot up and tears started to roll down his face. "M-my funny bone... you hit...." "SHUT UP!"

Mello took a snap out of chocolate, making one eye bigger at the stranger. "Show him." Matt reached into a pocket hidden in his vest, pulling out an envelope. He tossed it at the stranger, who dove to it and started to rip it open. What was it? Drugs? Porn?

No. Mello tossed his head back and started to cackle, and the stranger joined him. Because, on the floor, was a badly photoshopped picture of Jackson on a date with what appeared to be Near's school picture. "There's no way he'll tell it's fake!" Jackson shouted, only muffled by the scarf used to "protect his identity".

"I know! But seriously, you got the payment? And you know already we charge interest." Jackson nodded, handing Mello a large package. "The chocolate sculpture of your head, and the game titles requested by Matt."

Mello also ripped into his package, only to find a large sack holding his prize closed by .......a twisty tie.

Laughing, he prepared his fingers for the task. "Piece of cake!"

* * *

And all was tied up, no loose ends, the Narrator of Life found that she could rest. As she prepared to shut down her Electronic Writing Tool of Six-Hundred Dollars, there was a disturbance.

_"Um, L," _Oh no, that serious tone! "_"Is there a problem, Near?"_ The Narrator bit her lips, looking at the clock.

_"I thought we agreed on the KenxCameron pairing?" _There would be no eggs left if she stayed up later.....

_"Yes, but Ken's friend Ben added edge." "Oh, I see." _

Maybe it was all over with .... surely....

_"I'm not playing with you anymore." _

Shit.

And, so frazzled the Narrator was, she accidently uploaded an edited chapter over a real one.

And with tears pouring down her eyes, she decided that someone was sooo getting shipped off to Japan to do months worth of detective work.

_**COME ON, BARBIE! **_


End file.
